Relapse

Eight years later, I am still here but I don’t know how I’m making it.

I went to intensive outpatient treatment for my eating disorder. It ended with me being “recovered” about two years ago. At that time, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder.

I have since been doing treatment for OCD and I have gone from an eating disorder “lapse” to “relapse”.

I cannot function at a level that is acceptable. I say that because acceptable to me is me being able to afford to feed myself regularly (assuming I choose to eat) and pay my bills. I’m hardly doing either one.

It doesn’t have to do with my job. I cannot stand the idea of working with other people again. I’m always questioning what I said or what I should say and I don’t comprehend everything – some things are just beyond my scrambled brain.

Anything I do worth being excited about, I do at the expense of things around me like my relationships and work.

So I have a choice. To keep plugging ahead with getting better or to give up and partially function with my maladaptive coping mechanisms. I definitely don’t think partially functioning is good, but I do not have money for a hospital stay or another intensive outpatient program! I’m still paying off the other one!

I’m having a particularly rough two weeks. I’m seeing my therapist today and tomorrow and my psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe they can help me figure out if I have any options.